I AM DA BATMAN!
by ZombieCatTookMyPudding
Summary: Bruce Wayne wakes up in the middle of the night to find a strange alien man in his mansion, wearing his favorite bat-suit, declaring over and over again that he is "DA BATMAN". Who is he? What does he want? Why am I asking all these questions? (One-shot.)


His growling stomach waking him up from an otherwise sound sleep, Bruce Wayne rolled over in his bed and smacked his lips. It was the middle of the night, and he was feeling rather peckish. Deciding to see if there were any leftovers in the fridge, he went downstairs to the kitchen.

* * *

Strangely, by the time he got there, the lights were already on. Cautiously stepping forward lightly, he peered through the door. It had seemed like no one was there, but the wall phone had been taken off. To his convenience, a knife had been left on the counter. Gripping it in his fist, he gasped, startled.

Sitting with his back leaning against some cabinets, was a pale humanoid man with an unusually triangular face...who had happened to be wearing Bruce's favorite bat-suit: mask and all.

"What the hell...?"

The fingers of the man's free hand drummed on the ground. Was he using the phone and waiting for someone to pick up?

Bruce heard a faint "click", indicating that someone did.

"Hello?" the voice was barely audible.

"I AM DA BATMAN!" the humanoid suddenly screamed out. A short pause sat in the room before he began to laugh wildly.

"Oh, you little-!" With rage burning in his eyes (naturally, nursing the wound of an injured ego), Bruce charged at him with the knife. Before he could stab him, the man held his arm in place with a surprisingly strong grip. "Give me my fucking suit back!" he demanded. But, he seemed to ignore him, and continue chatting cheerily to the person on the other side. Bruce noticed he smelled like burning plants...was this moron high or something? Bruce decided to abort the attack: any wound he gave him would likely damage his oh-so-precious suit.

Soon enough the alien ended the call, and the two men stared at each other, face-to-face.

"What...are you doing...in my suit?"

"...I AM DA BATMAN!" Hissing at him like a cat, the humanoid pushed him aside, laughing as he ran from the room.

* * *

Bruce's little "guest" had run off to the living room, looking through drawers and under furniture.

"Can I help you with something?" Bruce asked, folding his arms. The alien ignored him, continuing whatever he was looking for outside of the room. Bruce was beginning to feel a bit calmer now. Annoying as this stranger was, at least he didn't seem to be a threat.

"There you are, sir." Bruce saw Albert standing at the door of the room. "You have a guest here to see you. He's waiting in the foyer."

"...I AM DA BATMAN!" the alien called out as he left.

* * *

"Bruce!" Wayne swallowed some of his annoyance at the human dressed in a green and black suit. "Hey, how's it going, buddy? I like what you've done with the place."

"Jordan! You better have some kind of explanation for bringing one of your _weird alien friends_ into my house!"

"For the record, I didn't bring him here. He crashed just outside of Gotham City. His name's Razer. He's a Blue Lantern, but he told me on the phone he thinks he lost his ring somewhere in your mansion."

For a moment, Bruce considered questioning how this alien would know how to use an Earth device, but then decided he didn't really care enough to ask. "...He's in the living room."

When they got there, however, no one was there.

"You mean he _was_ in the living room."

"Alright, where'd the little punk go?"

"I AM DA BATMAN!" They heard his raspy voice from upstairs.

" _YOU'RE_ NOT BATMAN! _BRUCE WAYNE_ IS BATMAN!"

Looking at each other, the two headed upstairs to Robin's room.

* * *

In one corner of the bedroom, was Robin holding an umbrella, debating whether to attack or not, and in the opposite corner was Razer, sitting against the wall with his knees to his chest, and giggling like a little kid.

"What the...?" Hal Jordan furrowed his brow in confusion. At the sight of his ally, Razer stood up and declared for the umpteenth time:

"I AM DA BATMAN!"

"Oh...Great Guardians." He suppressed a snicker. "I...I can't believe you did that." The alien responded in his native language. "You gotta be kidding me." He grinned amused.

"I am...da Batman." Bowing, Razer turned to Robin's dresser drawers and began looking through them.

"Uh, Batman, what is he doing?" Robin began to back away to his bed on the other side of the room.

"Why does he keep saying 'I am da Batman?'" Bruce mimicked him mockingly. "I don't even sound anything like that!"

"Actually, with all due respect, he does a pretty good impression-"

"Shut up, Robin! No one asked you!" Batman yelled, slapping him.

"I am da Batman!" Razer called out, Robin yelping as he dashed under his bed.

"That's something of an inside joke between us." Jordan explained.

Bruce raised his eyebrow; clearly, that wasn't enough information.

"Okay, so...before he was a Blue Lantern, he was a red one. You can imagine they get pretty grumpy pretty easily. Anyway, I told him he reminded me of someone on Earth...you. So, I taught him how to do an impression of you in Earth English. Of course, that's the only phrase he knows in Earth English, but if he hadn't said it, I might not have known it was him trying to call me. After all, chances are he got high again and isn't thinking straight."

Climbing out from under the bed Razer brushed the dust off of him.

"Aw, look what he did to _my suit!_ " Bruce exclaimed angrily. "Do you know how hard it is to clean that thing?"

"I am-ACHOO!" He covered his sneeze. "Da Batman." Promptly, he ran from the room.

"You know, the sooner we help him find his ring, the sooner he'll leave."

"I'm all for it, then," Robin said, rubbing his sore head. "Batman?"

"Eh...fine. But after this, I better not catch him anywhere near here again!"

* * *

So the five of them, Bruce, Razer, Jordan, Robin, and Albert, looked every room in the mansion. But, unfortunately, there was no sign of the ring anywhere.

"Sorry, Razer. I don't think it's anywhere in here." Jordan said.

Sighing, Razer sat down on the couch. Shifting, uncomfortably, he noticed a tiny bulge in his right pocket. His eyes widening, he took of the suit, laying it as neatly as he could on the floor in front of him, leaving his regular gray-brown attire underneath.

"AHA!" He pulled the small blue ring from his pocket.

"YOU IDIOT! IT WAS IN YOUR POCKET _THIS WHOLE TIME?!_ " Bruce snapped.

Ignoring him, Razer placed the ring back on his finger, his simple clothes transforming to the blue and black armor of the Blue Lantern he was.

Robin had to use all his raw strength to hold Bruce back from giving the Volkregian a good-old-fashioned punch to the face. Noticing the Earthling's exasperation, Razer feet shifted uncomfortably.

"Erm...thank you for your hospitality," he said simply, going to see himself out.

Running out to the front door of the mansion, he took off flying. Then, with a smirk on his face, he decided to say it one last time, just for the hell of it:

 **"I AM DA BATMAN!"**

The end.


End file.
